Even in its midst, we have a choice.
There are images from the ICU, the funeral home, the wrecked VW that sometimes I have to physically address, re-centering myself in the present. Sometimes I awaken to them; sometimes they visit at a word or a sound or a cacophony of sounds.
As much as we hated the machines that breathed for her when we knew our brilliant, rebellious red-head was no longer here, we couldn't leave her. Even after the doctors and their tests told us Taylor was gone, Joey drove us back to the hospital for three nights so we could kiss her forehead and tell our baby girl goodnight. I don't know how to describe that to you. I don't know how to say that my heart knew her heart was gone, but the body that brought her body into this world couldn't leave her or how it feels like I did abandon her anyway. As an organ donor. she had to stay on the machines until the team could find a recipient for her twenty-year old organs. I don't want to find the words that describe her body without her being, her vibrant, beautiful spirit -yet the image travels with me.
When my weakness invokes the fear and images of this reality, I have to physically look away, or close my eyes, or shake my head. If I am alone, I just cry. This morning in the shower as the sounds and images threatened to shut me in darkness for the day, I was suddenly so very grateful that God saved her from this. I quietly said thank you for being there, for taking her, and saving her from this kind of pain, this darkness. I don't know if I chose to be thankful or if I was given a gracious heart - like the Psalm - "Create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me." - but I am grateful it came.
The firefighter who tended to her moments after the accident found a way to relate to me how confident he was that Tay was gone in an instant. I am thankful for him and a God who would reach down in an instant and save my baby. This was not my intent when I prayed for her protection, but I am confident it is the result - even in despair.
Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."
I am sure I have more work to do in putting these things away. Nevertheless, I am so very thankful for the light this morning that allowed me to think again about what is best for my girl - that it was bright enough to last all day.
"She is always beautiful, but when she loves, she is stunning."