i knew I would write about this book on Tuesday, but each time I took the computer in my lap, my hands remained still. I would watch Melanie's video again and listen to KendalMay say that my girl made everyone feel like her best friend. Love does. However, I couldn't write -because I am angry and this is the place I get to / have to be honest - or it isn't what it is meant to be.
I am in Phoenix because my girl isn't in Spain and won't be going to Spain. So how's that for a happy new year. And I feel myself taking steps backwards, or drifting backwards, or just stifling a cry in order to smile at my boys and really be here instead of just a shell of the mom I used to be..
We find a treadmill even when we are away from home. Today's treadmill had limited white noise available to help my mind focus on working hard. Most of the music in my phone Taylor downloaded - every song that I hear reminds me of this time or that time. So I listened to the "Need to Breathe" Pandora station. Taylor and Aldyn introduced me to NTB their freshman year of high school and I have loved them since. Several NTB songs played and then one of Joey's favorites began playing, "Hallelujah". If you know the song, you know it begins by conveying the story of David, a man who knew the heart of God and fell miserably short after seeing a beautiful woman bathing on a roof. In the second verse, lyrics turn making an interesting allusion to Samson, "She tied you to her kitchen chair - She broke your throne and she cut your hair - And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah."
I've written before that often music speaks more to me than any other kind of worship. So as I am walking my three miles this morning and the book's message still calls to my weak heart, I hear those lyrics and being familiar with the song's end, I rejoice in a broken hallelujah. Both David and Samson, these pillars of godly strength, fell and failed miserably and still we have the stories of their love.
As I try to reconcile all of this and all that I have believed my whole life, I can't tell you how defeated I feel. As I strive for contentment and peace, I can hold the "broken hallelujah". Mine is a broken hallelujah - but it isn't cold like the last lines of the song remit. It's just broken.
In the book, a passage I copied speaks of being so broken that we leak Jesus. "I've met people like that, people who leak Jesus. Whenever you're around them, Jesus just keeps coming up with words and with actions....we start leaking where we stand. And it's because we got thrown from our lives in a terrific collision." Interesting choice of words - don't you think?
So are Taylor's, "If I could only take one thing away from this book it would be this: with love, anything is possible."
Is it any wonder I tagged this red-headed spark with #golighttheworld
I miss you baby girl. I miss you long time.