It isn’t that there are not good things every day to record; there are and often I feel a guilty tinge for not writing on a daily basis.
It’s that at the end of the day, often, I am used up and this labor of love, finding the words that purge both my day and my heart, requires more strength than remains.
I have spent the last three days in Texas researching and observing Early College High Schools. It’s late and the plane bumps over the frigid air between us and Tulsa on our descent.
There was a passion in the hallway of each school we visited, a commitment to young people and a tomorrow that awaits them.....
The announcement sounded for all large electronic equipment to be placed under the seats and my opportunity to write sat alongside my laptop in the carryon bag. Thus, this post has lingered inside my head and taken several turns.
On Thursday afternoon my colleagues and I sat in a library of a high school in south Texas that empowered students to graduate with a dual-languge certificate, dual credit - and perhaps even an Associates Degree from the local community college, and experience in STEM programming. I listened to the adults rave about their students, and I listened to the students describe the opportunities in front of them. Then I texted Josie.
I guess it was the idea of immersion - immersing yourself in a language, immersing yourself in netflix, immersing yourself in a foreign culture, immersing yourself in your dreams. Yeah, so I texted Josie, co-author of the blog "Temporory Cellmates" and various misadventures she and Taylor dreamed about and no doubt, carried out..
I read today that when the darkness, whatever darkness that follows you and me, closes in - we should take an internal look at where we are spending our thought time. Are we making friends with the darkness or are we seeking those ideals that are eternal? Initially, the question angered me and my usual indignation followed.... Do you know what it is like to lose a child? Do you know what you are asking me to do?
Then I have to fight off the fears, the doubts, the lies that sweet Aldyn tells me have no dominion over me.
When I am too tired to be angry, I am still left with the question - If the darkness is closing in, is it because I need to look in a different direction?
The answer may be clear cut if you have spent as many hours in Sunday School as I have - but this isn't a Sunday School lesson sisters. This is hard core, real life, doesn't feel good, not what I want excrement that has to be shoveled before I can answer.
It was easier to let her go than it is to live well without her. And everytime I see that same light in a child's eyes -that "It's not whose gonna let me; it's whose gonna stop me" look - I am reminded of what Taylor Renee could have offered this old world.
So when I am not writing, please know that I am immersed in what I do - taking care of my boys, my high school kids and the adults that serve them. Even covered up by all those needs, my sweet girl finds me - smiling, laughing or making fun of me because I am so uptight; she always finds me.