However, being that ‘tough’ completely drains me, and I fell asleep before 9pm. I slept hard for over three hours before the fact that I am 46 woke me up. Generally, I have a blanket or a quilt over me at all times because I am never warm – unless it’s the middle of the night, and my body wants to remind me that I am 46. (This is just one of the conversations I have planned for Eve when I meet her in heaven. IT WAS JUST AN APPLE! I mean all of this might be worth a biscuit or two – but an apple….?)
Today, I couldn’t bring myself to post yesterday’s “one good thing”. I cried and cried and cried today – hardly seeking joy with the voracious, never-say-quit attitude of my daughter. Today, I just didn’t want this reality to be true. So when a family friend lost his mother, I cried. When an Oklahoma thunderstorm began driving water beneath the wall in the room where new floors are supposed to be laid today and tomorrow, I cried. I called a contractor, and the repairs seem to be straightforward, but when he left the driveway, he ran his truck into the truck driven by the guys installing the new floor. At the sound of metal on metal, I cried again.
Grief is different for everyone. My friend Sandi is quick to tell me that everything I am feeling is right, and nothing is wrong. Still, I am bothered that I am not comforted by thoughts of heaven. Genuine, love-filled individuals are comforted by that thought and share it with me, often. Yet, sometimes I just want to scream the verse in John – “I have come that you might have life and have it abundantly!” To me, God’s love has always meant that as believer’s part of our ‘heaven’ was now. He didn’t want us to have to wait for the joy that comes in the morning. He wants us to experience joy now. How am I ever going to experience joy again?
DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS NOT HOW I WROTE THIS STORY!
I’m pouring copious amounts of lavender bubble bath into the tub as I ponder these thoughts. (It’s supposed to help me sleep.) The word “now” grabbed my mind and hit a snag. I remembered telling the girls, yesterday, to just tell God everything, and they would hear him. Comfort would come. Peace would come. Thus, my mind snagged.
I can’t be comforted by heaven because I want my girl ‘now’….
Eve wanted that apple in her ‘now’.
I realize the contexts are two totally different scenarios – but it’s crystal clear to me. I am human, and so I am selfish- and because I am selfish, I want my girl here with me. I want her here with her daddy and her brother and Duchess and Kendall and Waldo and Ash and Brynne and Aldyn and Carlie and Boo and Robert and Jill and Grammie and Dub and Tara and Todd and all the baby cousins and everyone who misses her. And I don’t want to miss her, anymore.
Pretty sure those three words make the joy I am seeking fairly-- temporary – and I have had all of temporary I can take.
In the midst of all those lavender smelling bubbles, I couldn’t cry any longer; I felt my heart rest, and for these few hours, it has stopped searching for her. I can’t call what I am feeling comfort; I can just tell you it is no longer associated with guilt.
I cannot even begin to have or to look for joy ‘now’. All of my planning, my controlling, my preparing is for naught. I truly want “good things to come” of this “for those who believe in Christ Jesus and have been called according to his purpose.” I hope I get to be a part of it. I hope to look for real “joy” soon.
My one good thing rests in those mind snags or heart trips – where I trip over God loving me, and where I rest in the hearts and minds of everyone who desperately want to do something to ease this pain. God love each of you.