Wade had spent the night with a friend and the house was silent after the alarm disturbed the silence of a Tuesday morning. This house without laughter seems sinful.
When our children were little we would lay in bed awake before we had to get up and wait with anticipation for which pair of footed pajamas would scoot and rustle into our bedroom first. The friction of the plastic of their pajama feet would grow louder and faster as they approached our bed until finally the swushing ceased and with a thump, a red-headed baby girl or a toe-headed baby boy was on our bed at our feet wriggling his or her way up to the pillows and our waiting arms.
The ritual continued and Joey finally began saying, "Here come's big girl." Or "Here comes stud." and they would snuggle beneath the warmth of our covers and in the midst of our arms and hearts.
When the gray light of morning creeped through the window shades this morning, I begged God to save me again and I thanked him for the 17 year old boy who grabbed my hand last night and kissed my cheek before leaving for his friends house. I was trying desperately to praise Him in the storm since being angry with God is not getting me closer to joy. I thanked him for the love a man whose left arm and leg were draped across my torso even in the deepest of sleep. And while I did not want to get up and chose to silently sob beneath the weight of Joey's embrace, I was thankful I could remember the sound of a house full of life and pajama feet scooting across a living room floor.
No, my desire was to stay in bed, but something within me also said, "Like hell will I lose."
It must be the prayers of faithful hearts that allowed me, called me to rise and try to serve my friends and colleagues. I will be forever grateful to my boss and my team for the way they have carried me.
Joyce Meyer's instagram posted a meme today, "Thanking God in the midst of a problem is a gift we give ourselves." She is a very wise, godly woman so I hate to disagree - but I don't think I gave this gift - I think every "good and perfect gift is from above."
My children are good and perfect gifts. I treasure every moment with each of them. However, in all honesty it is important to me that you know that 20 years, as wonderful as they were and as thankful as I am, are not enough. This isn't right. Taylor was stolen from everyone who loves her, and it isn't right. If Josie is right and great joy and great grief can co-exist - then so can great gratefulness and great injustice.
Thank you for your prayers; I will be thankful for you for always. Please say a prayer for the Waychoff's. The man who hit and killed their Kasey receives his sentence this week. What is more and more painfully evident to me on this journey is the fact that there are way too many parents burying their children.