Some weeks are just harder than others. Sandi says the whole second year can be harder. There's no more anesthesia.
So I haven't written because they just would have been words.
Tonight, as I sat here playing old videos just so I could her Tay's voice, I got up to do one thing.
When I was younger and I would work myself up into an emotional mess, my mother would ask me, "On what one thing can you start working?"
I told a story today to a young man. I told him I hate emptying the dishwasher. I told him that because I am sad, I haven't emptied the dishwasher in three nights; it's full of clean dishes. (This is the really sexy side of grief. The parts you are most proud of.) It's disgusting but the dirty dishes are stacking up and smelling up my kitchen. So the young man and I talked about the consequences of our decisions - his and mine.
When I couldn't see the computer screen anymore, I got up and went to the dishwasher because I was going to do one thing. I can't really find joy - but I can by god get up and do one thing. Stopping at the edge of the bar, I grabbed a kleenex, blew my nose, tossed the tissue in the trash and turned toward the black appliance, When the door opened, the racks stood empty. My husband had emptied the dishwasher.
Needless to say, I needed another kleenex.
"For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh." Genesis 2:24
Whether its a dry, clean towel within my arm's reach at the end of a hot shower, an empty dishwasher when I expected it to be full, his blind comment to me when I'm sitting in the living room with a 3 day dirty messy bun on the top of my head, "You ready to go?" or his sarcastic jab that we could get the word - SALTALAMACHIA in all caps across the breadth of my shoulder blades- Joey is my one. Because I assure you, he didn't want to empty that dishwasher either - but he did.
I loaded the dishwasher, cleaned the sinks, wiped off the countertops and sat down. A text to Duchess promises to keep trying.
I am not okay - but I can do one thing - especially when God has given me a man who will empty the dishwasher.
I miss you baby girl. #golighttheworld