Every so often a friend will post a picture of Taylor on Facebook or Twitter or Instagram - or one will just tweet "Go Light the World. #trw" . Even if the picture or memory makes me cry, I am so thankful she is remembered. I am so thankful for the souls who "like" the picture and keep my baby girl remembered.
Aubrey sent me a copy of a selfie Taylor took of herself and sent to Aubrey two years ago. It's a goofy face, but it told Aubrey she was loved, and so she keeps it. For the last 89 days, Aubrey has sent me at least one selfie. Taylor's selfies always made Aubrey feel loved; thus, Aubrey sends love in the same way.
Grief, though necessary, wreaks havoc on me. I have been ugly, and every insecurity I have ever had has been magnified by ten this last week. Acting happy does not feel normal. Acting confident is false. Acting like I want to be anywhere without Taylor in this world makes me feel like a liar. However, being sad just makes me more sad. I can't concentrate or hang onto details. I find myself just burying the pain so I can be alive for the people who need me. Causing others pain is an unbearable weight in addition to the reality that faces me. I can see it on their faces; they are tired.
Taylor was here. She was as one friend wrote "the brightest star heaven could offer". As much love as still remains in my house, as thankful as I am for a healthy son, a husband that loves me, and a family that supports me, I can't seem to step out of the shadow that's been left since that star left this world. I can't seem to wrap my mind around how something so beautiful could just be gone.
So, I'm thankful to those young hearts in Tulsa, Norman and Stillwater who post and remember and tell the world about a red-head that should never be forgotten. Each time they do, there is a little more light.