I envy the calm seas depicted as I am tossed and tormented by waves of grief that threaten, propel, and inevitably carry me. Swimming hard, I began the week with vengeful strokes, strategically ducking the waves that promise to thwart me. Anger, like pulses from a beacon, directed my course and fueled my efforts and I served the people I care about so much well, -present, focused, and alive.
On Thursday, I couldn't find that same fuel, and I saw the sea of grief rage against my defiance. It pummeled me from multiple directions, crashing over my head and robbing me of my will to breathe. I just decided to tread water, insistent to not lose ground, willing Taylor's hell-bent determination into my every move.
I saw the faces of friends and family who desperately miss the person I used to be, the confidence, the camaraderie, the control. They are tossed by the same waves away from me each carrying their own sad weight. Victims, each of us, afloat on this sea.
The beacon's lights and sounds were muffled by Friday. Exhaustion and the weight of my old friend, denial, weighed on every physical and emotional muscle. The waves drove me back to the ocean floor and every hug or hand meant to comfort sucked me further out to sea. The haunting voice of denial whispering, "This can't be real; this can't be real" heckles and taunts me. I know she is a liar, and that these tempest waves are not home, but it is strange how comfortable they can appear.
When I awoke Saturday, I am floating in a life boat into which I don't remember climbing. I am sure it is the efforts and prayers of faithful friends. You text, you hug, you call, you pray - you refuse to let me drown. The skin beneath my eyes lies dry like paper. I am sore from fighting; my lungs ache, but I am above the waves and floating with a current given to me by the same God with whom I am so angry. Why he continues to save me can only be explained by the lyrics of the song Taylor posted with the picture above - "If his grace is an ocean, we're all sinking."
And yet, we float.
#golighttheworld baby girl Your mama loves you so.