My days don't allow me time or privilege to succumb to a broken heart. I don't resent or second guess a family's desire or action of running into the street screaming to the world - "You shouldn't have killed my _______". I know that sentiment; it lives with me. I also know the only two men whose lives stopped, who ran into the literal street were two police officers, who risked their own lives in the face of traffic that would not stop despite the mangled metal that entombed my daughter. These two realities exist - like great joy and tremendous grief.
I just can't help but question the origin of our outrage. Why didn't I run into the street for every child killed prior to mine - as a result of neglect
as a result of abuse
as a result of drugs
as a result of violence
as a result of ......
Where was my outrage then - for the other mothers.
Like the river, my heart is full tonight, too full and I miss my daughter. The justice this world has to offer falls too short - nothing but her arms around my neck, her voice on my phone, her hands in mine could ever ease the flood my heart holds. It's a secret those on this side of the fence seldom share - justice falls short.
We are broken - not just me and mine - but we, collectively as a people. It's a secret we don't discuss; instead we loudly point our fingers at each other.
I went looking in my text messages for Josie's words tonight - I am not sure how this is all related. So often I begin writing and the circle closes and I never knew the connection until the writing ended. Perhaps this circle doesn't close - this circle of grief and brokenness - perhaps it stays open so the folks that have to cross to this side of the fence can find the gate, the opening - a place to enter where great joy and great grief exist simultaneously. It's a secret; one we hope you never have to hear.
When I grow up I hope I am as wise as our children, Kim Smith; we raised great ladies.
1 Thessalonians 5:5 "You are all children of the light and children of the day. We do not belong to the night or to the darkness."