I have read countless books, endless posts on grief, searched scripture. While every parent's path is different, we have walked roughly 1700 days and losing Taylor is always just.... yesterday; we lose her every morning I open my eyes and my ears fail to hear her voice say, "hi mama", and as we approach the fifth anniversary of her death- we know when tomorrow dawns, we will lose her again. Time has moved us on, but we lose details as so much of US is still in 2014 - still in denial.
There are those who offer that I shouldn't look at everything through the filter of losing Taylor - how thankful I am they think I have a choice, that their wisdom is ignorant of the unholy, unnatural surreal reality of walking this earth without your child. I am truly grateful, without malice, but with mounting impatience.
The weight of being all we have pulls at our son's broad shoulders - the necessary friction between a young man leaving his childhood home complicated by our grief and fear. His courage and defiant, head-strong-will square those shoulders daily; he will persevere, while we will once again practice our faith and let go.
We have a purpose, and we find quiet peace in caring for the kids in our paths. We have love and an enduring friendship that withstands the palpable silence that grief often sits between us - each heart broken unable to heal the other. Even when one of us cuts through the soft thickness meekly uttering, "I miss her" the other is left only to say, "yes".
So we take a few of her ashes with us when we travel to places she had yet to see-knowing the glory of heaven surpasses each earthly location and she misses nothing. Still, it comforts us. Last Saturday, we boarded a catamaran and sailed an hour into the Gulf of Mexico as a spring day at the southernmost point of sweet Taylor's #merica ended. And in the shadows of the sunset, while the ocean rocked us back to a time when the world was whole, the last embers of the day fittingly blazed red.
A soft dusk surrounded the catamaran, and day surrendered. Sun yellow petals floated behind Taylor's ashes, and we let a peaceful, if unrequited, stillness lead us back to shore. Thankful that out of all the moms and dads God could have given Taylor Renee to, he chose us. Thankful, He still chooses us.
#golighttheworld