This is a beautiful song, but when I release myself from its entrancing melody - I am compelled to listen with unearthly comprehension, and I am struggling with trust right now. Trusting myself, trusting the motivations of others, trusting God. I think it's funny life is going to ask me to let go of Wade in twelve short months and send him away to college. Freaking hysterical. Being without border is frightening.
Still, I cannot sing this song without pausing at this verse -
"Let me walk upon the waters- wherever you would call me..."
Sometimes walking on the water - whatever that metaphor represents for each one of us - can cause a fear that simple stifles me, can cause self doubt that keeps me from acting or serving.
"Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior...."
A sorry excuse for a martyr, given a choice, I would have chosen Taylor Renee and the comfortable life I knew as a mother of two children. That isn't the choice, that isn't the water, I have been asked to walk upon. I would not have chosen to go this deep, nevertheless something in me yearns to be the mother, sister, daughter, leader, friend, cousin, niece who can.
On a daily basis, the choice I am given is: Will I do this?
On most days, at any given time, I don't feel like I can do this. I don't feel like I will ever be okay again. I don't feel like I will ever be strong again. I don't feel like I can be a leader at school again. I don't feel like I am a good friend or a good daughter, a good niece, a good sister, or a good mother. I don't feel good.
But the song isn't asking me how I feel.
In the midst of all this fear and self doubt, in the middle of the water that terrifies me and yet to which I have been called, my mind races for the lap I can run to, fall apart into and discard all of this Deep, unending ache.
"I will call upon your name... Keep my eyes above the waves. I am and yours and you are mine."
Like a swollen river running high and far past her borders, I am destroyed and yet full - having been loved so well through this last week of July. Moreover, the examples of people in my life who continue to find the need, include the un-included, love with reckless abandon and heartfelt intention are the chords of this song about which I write and the words replay...
"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders..."
This is the difference between having a Savior and a Lord. I am not sure I ever recognized this so clearly before.
So I am struggling - knowing concisely what I am called to do - but doubting my ability to do it, any of it. What a hopeless, futile sea worry and fear are - and terrible companions.