Oh, how you worry
Oh, how you're weary, from fearing you lost control
This was the one thing, you didn't see coming
And no one would blame you, though
If you cried in private
If you tried to hide it away, so no one knows
No one will see, if you stop believing
I listened and I cried. The chorus sings three words we are oft to say to those who are struggling "lay it down".
I can't. I can't lay this down. I don't want to.
A vibrant, rising sun provides the backdrop to the song's video as the words line the screen. I loved the song - just not those three words.
Friday marked two and a half years to the day. There's a new president, new tragedies, new accomplishments, new joys but the same old ache for our sweet girl.
That ask - to lay it down - makes me angry. I thought about the song and those three words all day. We are so oft to recommend to others who are wrestling with the unjust, with the unfairness of life, with the evil that plagues us all to just "lay it down". Laying it down feels like I am abandoning Taylor Renee and with one sweet pinterest meme, I can just move on. I can't and moreover, I don't want to.
Still, I wrestled all day while repainting the living room walls and ceiling. I have often started the text to ones I love that I have never felt more alone in my life. I always delete the words because I know I am not alone, but the irony exists.
At the end of the day in the sanctity of my closet and in the throws of my mental wrestling match, I remembered the scripture, "take up your cross and follow me"- something antithetical yet simultaneously similar to "laying it down".
Taylor's death, the pain of each day without her, is our cross, it's weight pressing against every fiber of our lives. So many days, but with one word, I can find myself back in any moment of those thirty six plus hours.
I can't lay it down - giving her up asks more of me than I have - and the ask comes every day - but I can carry it - with the same rebellion, the same wit, the same grace, the same competitive spirit, the same quiet mercy, the same relentless sass with which she lived and fought and offered in her short twenty years.
Jacob wrestled God and limped for the rest of his life. How grateful I am to wrestle and be freed from a tangle of thoughts that stifles me. How grateful I am to friends who listen to the still, small voice of God and remember me.
#golighttheworld
Mark 14:24
me that ask has made me angry. I painted all day today - long story - but I have one color now throughout the kitchen and family room instead of three - I thought all day about “just give it to God” - “just lay it at his feet” remarks we are so often to make when we wrestle with the unjust and unfairness of life, with the evil that plagues this world. It feels like I am abandoning her - like with one pinterest meme I can just move on. I can’t and moreover, I don’t want to. Still the thought lingered all day until was hanging clothes up in my closet. I don’t have to lay her death down - scripture tells us to “take up your cross and follow me” - it’s my cross BA - I could never lay it down. It sucks - but its mine to carry.
this time that ask has made me angry. I painted all day today - long story - but I have one color now throughout the kitchen and family room instead of three - I thought all day about “just give it to God” - “just lay it at his feet” remarks we are so often to make when we wrestle with the unjust and unfairness of life, with the evil that plagues this world. It feels like I am abandoning her - like with one pinterest meme I can just move on. I can’t and moreover, I don’t want to. Still the thought lingered all day until was hanging clothes up in my closet. I don’t have to lay her death down - scripture tells us to “take up your cross and follow me” - it’s my cross BA - I could never lay it down. It sucks - but its mine to carry.