Please don't feel like you need to keep reading; if you are ready for me to move on, I don't blame you, but I'm going to disappoint you today.
All day long I have to fight the visions, the ventilator, the funeral home, white sheets, tubes, her beautiful expressionless face.
Since it wouldn't, I sat down and read each card her Theta sisters placed on what they call a "Blessing Ring". I have not ever been able to get through each card before today, each of them thanking us for sharing Taylor with Theta.. Each card celebrates a different trait, a different memory about Sis. When the author would describe her constant laughter, or tendency to break out in dance, her innate ability to reach out and befriend everyone, I just bawled. Alone on my patio, pathetically wiping mascara away, I cried for a little girl, a friend, a future bride, a big sister, a fun-loving cousin, a daddy's girl, for my pedicure buddy because I am just not ready to not sit with her, to not miss her, to not talk about her. I'm just not ready to be without her.
The sentencing is September 30th. The tasks we have to care for her are beginning to end. We have to have our victim's impact statement ready mid September. I wrote mine last August as soon as I knew of the opportunity. I've read it a hundred times. Today, I don't want it to reflect the impact her loss has had on us - I want it to tell the judge who she is and what we all are missing without her here with us. Having been in the courtroom three times, I know this is about procedure. It isn't about Taylor.
So this is my space, This is where I vomit grief. I've often compared our sadness to drowning or to a storm at sea. Today, I thought - we have calmed the shores of our lives. Thankful, that so many family and friends have tied their life jackets to ours so we don't drift away, we, or parts of us, the pieces we hide because the grief is just too much to leave on display, are still battling the waves, the storm in an ocean we never wanted to visit.
And we keep fighting. As a result, there are newly made curtains to hang, no-bake cookies to share, banana bread on which to pour honey, flowers have been watered, and grass trimmed. I have placed the Blessing Ring back on the wall in my bedroom with the knowledge that Taylor was loved - is loved beyond measure.
We are blessed - by a ring of people who have never forgotten and by a God who gave us the most precious piece of sass