....this isn't my life....
Of course, I don't.
I was reminded just a few minutes ago of something I "said" at Taylor's funeral. Of course, I didn't speak, but I had written some scattered thoughts down for Tom Harrison, our pastor. At tonight's text which reminded me of my words, I deleted much of what I had written or tried to write as I search through this sadness. Instead, I will add what I wrote for her funeral. Being reminded tonight of these words is proof of God's hands which continually hold us. I remember how closely we were held on a weekend four years ago this Friday. I think I am sadder today than I was then - and I needed to remember this kind of deep love. Forever grateful for friends and midnight texts and for the love of God which always finds me. It isn't edited - many thoughts are unfinished - just like our precious girl's life.
So much sunshine per square inch.
I guess when you promise your baby girl the world she expects you to deliver.
The quote on her twitter page says, “The question isn’t who’s going to let me; it’s who’s going to stop me.” Oh my, my fierce little girl.
Then I watch the pages and pages of social media posts about this life poured out to bring joy to others and I wonder how did I get to be this baby’s mom. Oh that I could live up to her standard. People have captured the most captivating pieces of her heart and shared and written about their friendship and her light. It is overwhelming.
This must be what it feels like to drown; the pressure in your chest mounting until finally your lungs receive hope and new air rushes in only for another wave of grief to slam you back into the ocean floor.
We are an Easter people.
And we know this, that all things work together for the glory of God for those who love him.
Set apart: When you hold up your hand, pull your pinky away from your other fingers. Study that space. Those fingers grouped together represent people who have no idea how be victorious, people who are afraid to try, and people who only hope to win. The smallest finger represents a champion and the space in between the third and fourth finger makes all the difference. Work in that space and live the life of a champion – be set apart.
Joey’s high school baseball coach, Jerry Long, used to tell his teams this and Joey has shared it with Taylor and Wade countless times.
The first time occurred when Taylor was about 5. We were living in Sallisaw and each week I would drive Taylor to Ft. Smith for gymnastics. The class had a competition at the end called a spider walk; you stand on your hands with your feet against the wall and see if you can outlast your teammates. Taylor won the spider walk week after week. Her daddy would ask her each night we returned if she had won and each week she would respond affirmatively. High fives and big hugs would abound. One week, she didn’t answer yes. Instead, she said, “No, I let someone else win.” For the next thirty minutes Taylor’s daddy talked to her, this five year old baby girl, about the difference between losing, getting beat, winning and being a champion. I kept walking back and forth into the living room trying to hold up 5 inconspicuous fingers, one for each year of this small child, trying to catch his attention -but to no avail. She internalized every word her daddy said and never “let someone win” again. She demanded the best of herself and the best of you and she was never good at losing.
While at Union High School, Taylor cheered. She was fortunate to cheer at three state champion football games and one state champion basketball game. Cheering at the games, running out on to Tuttle field in front of the team, these are the events she loved. Fiercely loyal to Union High School, every time one of our teams took the field – she expected to win.
Taylor loves her little brother, and she loves picking on him. I guess its one of our family’s love languages. We tease without mercy. Yet, the relationship they share is one of the strongest bonds I have ever witnessed. They could ride in the back seat for hours on family trips and talk and laugh. Usually, within the first hour of the trip she would have charmed her way into lying down on the seat with her feet on one end and her head resting in her brother’s lap. Even when his legs grew longer than more than half of her own little self, he would still get one-eighth of the seat to her seven eighths. And he loved it.
When Taylor was in high school, Wade enjoyed the late night moments upstairs when he had her all to himself. They would talk and laugh and those conversations are great memories for him.
Baseball games, trips to Florida, trips to Colorado, putt putt golf, poker at the dining room table, family movie night, dinner at our favorite restaurants, Sunday lunches after service-these are precious memories to us.
When I told Joey we were pregnant with a baby girl, he worried she would love things he didn’t understand. A rough football coach who was raised with boys knew little of raising a little girl and worried. I remember he asked – “What if she likes the violin or something. I mean I don’t know anything about the violin.” I just smiled at him and said, “If she likes the violin, I bet you become a fan of the violin.” As it turned out, there could not have been two souls closer than Taylor and Joey. She wrapped him tightly around her little finger the day she entered this world and when we said goodbye this past Monday he kissed her forehead and said, “I knew the day you were born, little girl, that you were going to break my heart into a million pieces. I just didn’t think it would be like this - I thought I would have to share you with some ugly boy.” Taylor and her daddy were the one/two punch, laughing at each other’s jokes, sharing a love a great rock and roll music and the art of being fiercely competitive.
When she was little, she loved Disney. She loved being a flower girl in homecoming celebrations and weddings. I think she was at least five years old before we could leave the house without a tiara on her head. We would watch Disney movies and hold hands in the car and sing the princess songs at the top of our lungs. When she played Disney trivia later on as a high school cheerleader, she would leave the competing team in the dust.
Taylor had several dreams – one was to work for the Yankees and another was to play a red tambourine in a rock band. She looked forward to tormenting her brother’s future girl friends, as well. She was fairly certain there would not be a girl good enough for our Wade.
One of her closest friends wrote this today, “If ever a life needed to be celebrated, it is this one! Taylor was a lesson for us all: 1) Find the humor in everything to keep life in perspective
2) Work hard to be the best you can be without comparing yourself to others
3) Be the friend that loves when all other friends are fed up
4) Lastly, as a young adult, be grateful for what you have because someone is working their butt off to give it to you.
A graduate of Union High School, Jonathan Ameen, send me this: “We came to see that the great theme of the Bible is how God brings fullness of joy not just despite, but through suffering, Suffering is much like a furnace, if used properly, it does not destroy. Things put into the furnace can be shaped refined, purified, and even beautified. This is a remarkable view of suffering, that if faced and endured with faith, it can in the end only make us better, stronger, and more filled with greatness and joy. Suffering, then, actually can use evil against itself, it can thwart the destructive purposes of evil and bring light and life out of darkness and death. “ Tim Keller, Walking with God Through Pain and Suffering
“God allows satan to accomplish only that which achieves the opposite of its desired outcome.” – Daren Spoo
“Although inexplicable pain and suffering occur in this world, God in His mercy brings joy, holiness, victory, and beauty out of those circumstances as we fall to our knees an turn to the only One we can trust. We may never understand the “why”… But we can always trust the “who”, which is our loving God who causes everything good and bad to work together for the good of those who love God….Taylor and her beautiful spirit will never be forgotten! Her love for others has left an imprint on so many, and in that way, she is living on through the changed lives of those around her.”
My first “girls” from Midwest City met my girls from Union Sunday night. I am so thankful I got to witness that kind of love twice and that we connected those hearts that were so close and shared my Taylor.
We have family here who are the souls to whom we belong; we have family who chose us and because we chose each other – we are forever related. Family from Sallisaw, from Midwest City, from Broken Arrow, from Pawhuska, from Bristow and from Union. Please know we love you
This sounds so self-righteous and that’s not my intent - but I want people to connect. All these lives that have intersected. We have served with so many wonderful school districts and some of their lives have intertwined. Joey always told Taylor and Wade that family is everything. I think family isn’t just your blood relations, but anyone with whom you have shared your heart and so it is my cry that you share your hearts with those around you. She would want you to “rock out like you were paid to disturb the peace!” She would want you to love everyone you meet, every day, in every way.
Everyone has poured his or her love over us this week. The messages are endless and we have been buoyed by them, overwhelmed by them; but most importantly God’s love for all of us –individually and corporately has manifested itself through our friends’ words and memories. We could not be more blessed. We are thankful for a merciful God that kept the pain of the accident from our baby. Our God is good.
Words will never replace the fire in our lives that Taylor Renee was - but we are Easter people, and I needed to remember....
#golighttheworld