While I have been writing for four years searching for comfort and to ease the incessant thoughts and fears and questions, I have wondered where these thoughts, these discussions, these wrestling matches God and I have will leave me. I have stared at my computer and ignored it and God, denying myself this solace and Him - my thoughts. I have humbled myself silently, singularly, days later praying to be saved from the depths of grief.
I don't know what I thought would happen four years ago when I began to write. I didn't know what would happen so that I could be healed, so that my husband could be spared pain and the empty look would cease to fill his deep brown eyes, so that my son would not continue be disappointed because he couldn't find the one person who he can trust - not like he trusted Sis. When I began, I couldn't think much past the moment in which. I was writing much less the next day, and to think of the future meant I couldn't breathe. Days still exist when I just.... can't.... breathe.
But early on as I wrote of the "good", the parable of the woman who touched the hem of Christ's garment has woven itself in and out of my wrestling matches with Grief and my thrown-downs with God and my temper tantrums with life in general.
Luke 8
[40] Now when Jesus returned, a crowd welcomed him, for they were all expecting him. [41] Then a man named Jairus, a ruler of the synagogue, came and fell at Jesus' feet, pleading with him to come to his house [42] because his only daughter, a girl of about twelve, was dying. As Jesus was on his way, the crowds almost crushed him. [43] And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years, but no one could heal her. [44] She came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak, and immediately her bleeding stopped. [45] "Who touched me?" Jesus asked. When they all denied it, Peter said, "Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you." [46] But Jesus said, "Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me."[47] Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. [48] Then he said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace."
I thought if I kept reaching, if I kept writing, if I kept wrestling one day there would be a proverbial garment and there would be peace because the scripture tells us because of her faith, she was healed -
"seeing that she could not go unnoticed."
On Saturday, I attended a "tailgate brunch" for women at a local church with a dear friend, and we listened to Lisa Terkeurst retell us Joseph's story, how he was sold into slavery by his brothers, suffered for two years in jail before what was meant to harm Joseph was used for good - for him and for the brothers that betrayed him. She read from scripture and emphasized the word, "meanwhile" --- as she described Joseph's two years in prison capitalizing on Joseph's faithfulness and the idea that God is always working "in the meanwhile".
I felt my backbone stiffen, which is often what I physically do so I won't just run out of the room or create a heap of ugly crying in the middle of the floor. I concentrated on breathing normally and deeply as I fought the thoughts in my head in order to continue listening. The list of them rests generally inconsequential, but the gist is - "go ahead and tell me what I am supposed to do in the meanwhile without my daughter. I dare you. Go ahead." (one of the things I have accepted in this four years is that I can be mean, more mean than I ever dreamed possible.)
And then, that proverbial nagging itch returned and with it the story of the woman chasing the hem of His garment.
I don't have the luxury of physically being with Christ like the woman in the parable did. Her story for me, as I run through my own streets grieving for our fun-loving, irreverent but fiercely loyal and fiercely faithful red-headed firecracker, means I will always be chasing the hem of His garment. I probably won't get to heal until Heaven shares Taylor, and then I will have to confess that I am more excited to see my daughter than I am God. If I have caused you to shudder, I am so sorry. All I can say is - I sincerely hope you never understand this feeling. God and I are square on this.
I don't know if I am successfully creating a junction between these two stories or whether the only connection is in the scary recesses of my own mind - but....
In the meanwhile, Joseph said, "what you meant for harm, God has used for good." The book of Romans tells us much the same thing - "And we know that all things work together for good for those who love the Lord Jesus and are called according to his purpose." We had that verse read at Taylor's funeral, so I have been forced to hold it close. I knew without a doubt then it had to be read, and I have to believe there is a reason for how strongly I felt.
Taylor's family and friends still wonder what good could possibly come from stealing the soul that made our days fill with light and our hearts with laughter - but the message I cannot ignore like the itch I cannot reach remains - in the meanwhile, He will keep his promise from Genesis and Romans, from the old covenant and the new, and I will keep chasing the hem of His garment.
#golighttheworld