The shards make me cry, odd that sunshine would make me cry. Yet, it does- especially in the afternoon. It's like it pierces me again leaving holes. I try to fill them up with the good things from yesterday or today-
An email about Wade Garrett, what a great smile he has, what a giving spirit he has. The email reports on actions I didn't know were going to take place, so I told him why we are so very proud of who he is and who he is becoming. Neither his strength nor his courage seem dimmed by the empty room upstairs. I marvel at his resilient faith.
I think of the joy with which teachers spoke about learning in their classrooms today as we invited them to a committee meeting where board members listen to curriculum items. We ran out of time before we ran out of stories about girls wanting to be engineers, developing computer applications that will assist those in need or those suffering from abuse. I listened to the joy, the commitment, and the all out inspiration these teachers and students are to each other.
I texted a friend to say how thankful I am for our friendship and how I count it as an act of God's faithfulness.
I thank my husband for the chores he did willingly at the house to prepare for my parents' visit even going as far as telling him how lucky I am. (His ego needs no encouragement.)
I wrap gifts I have purchased for sweet souls who keep pouring into me.
The girls text me.
I draw parallels to the tragic events of the week, the parade crash, the murders, the shootings and tell myself that we are not the only ones who evil pricked.
I pull on scriptures plastered to the walls of my brain and etched on the interior of my heart and try to cling to promises I know to be true.
I make this list as if each blessing were tangible and could be picked up and stacked in the empty space within my heart- in desperation to fill it.
At the end of my typing, this mess of clamoring thoughts quiets and I realize that none of these blessed items are going to fill the hole of grief - but they do fill me. Once again, I am thankful I was taught to find one good thing.