I stopped writing, having felt shamed by over three years of describing grief and not arrived at "better". Concerned about what others might think if I continued, I tried to will my English heritage and a stiff upper lip and muscle myself through the days and weeks without her smile, her voice, her hug around my neck, her forehead to kiss.
However today at work I cried; I cried in front a boss with no explanation of why I am where I am except that I am without my sweet girl.
So I am back sitting with my grief, acknowledging her as my companion. I can count my blessings; I can be humbly thankful for a man who loves me, for a son who amazes me, for family who are constant, for friends who are unconditional. I can praise God for twenty years of sublime family life with sincerity and the same feeling I had when the kids were little and laughing in the back seat - "I am not sure how I deserve these blessings, but I am so very thankful they are mine." I can name the stages of grief, and the scripture that comforts me. I can acknowledge that heaven is a reward and not just a thief. I can get up every single day and go to work, working diligently for a purpose greater than myself.
But grief has my Achilles heel. I am back to not being good enough, and to seeking approval from people and places that shouldn't matter - as if I were 13 again. Perhaps if I keep naming the pain and confronting it here on this screen, I can put that evil remnant of grief away, remembering that there are only shadows because there is light.
#golighttheworld