My mind is in fourteen places tonight as I record what are sure to be jumbled thoughts before - in the words Parent Trap, - "I take two large sleeping pills" and try to sleep.
I was party to a conversation today that celebrated a little girl receiving a heart transplant..... There was rejoicing while I cried silently in my heart. For parents whose children are waiting for a heart or organ transplant, this is a sign of hope. For parents whose children have donated a heart or organ, this is a reminder of the greatest gift lost. Hear me say, "I would give Taylor's organs again one hundred times over." However, I am still angry I had to sign those papers.
The song in car tonight as we drove home from "date night' was "You Make Me Brave". I don't feel very brave. Moments before leaving the restaurant as we watched the final outs of a Yankee loss, I thought who will I be when my son is out of college and I am no longer needed by children in my school district? Will I see meaning in my life? Will I have a purpose? Will I dry up and blow away if I am not needed?
I don't feel very brave. I don't feel worthy of the word bravery.
And yet verse after verse today in my interaction with the electronic feeds that I have intentionally signed up to see reminds me that whatever my fear is, whatever my trepidation, whatever ever my worry - and people just let me tell you if worrying was an Olympic sport, I would hold the world record in gold medals, whatever my thoughts that cause me to be weary - my God holds them.
I don't know why some families get miracles and other families rejoice in the promise of heaven.
I don't know.
I would trade knowing for my daughter - this I know.
Thankful tonight that along with my worries, God holds me, too.
#golighttheworld
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